Adventures in an 8th-Grade English Book

The girl I tutor in English came for her lesson the other day and said, "we're learning about America in class now. My homework is to read a story about a real American high school!" Sounds amusing, yeah? We open her book and... the entire chapter is about Hermann, Missouri.

 

 

At some point, some text book author either visited the town or discovered it in his research, and now there's photos of Main Street, farmers, tourists, Octoberfest, and the festival hall. I couldn't believe my eyes! I said to Fabienne (the name of the girl I tutor), "I've been there, and there, and I danced the polka in there. I used to play [and lose] volleyball games at the Catholic gradeschool in Hermann when I was your age." 

 "Lots of people live on farms outside town." Vital information.

 

 

Obviously this made the homework more interesting for both of us, and I felt like a real expert on all things Midwestern/Missourian. Fabienne said, "My teacher said the town is very small - smaller than we can imagine here in Germany." I'm not sure when the book was published, but a high school of only 400 kids isn't exactly huge, but it's not tiny either.

Fabienne's actual homework assignment was to read the soap opera story of Angus, the "fat and unpopular" kid at an American high school:



"As Angus, the fat kid, I have my problems."

Angus, a boy named after a cow, fell in love with Melissa in kindergarten, but she never noticed him. Nobody did. That is, until his classmates voted him homecoming king as a joke and he was forced to dance with the homecoming Queen (Melissa) in front of the whole school. This would be his big moment! Before the dance, Melissa's "drunk and rich" boyfriend Rick humiliates Angus, but during the dance, Melissa tells Angus a secret: "being pretty is not all it's cracked up to be, Angus." She pulls him closer. "I'm bulemic. Do you know what that is?" Gasp! But Angus, the cuddly supportive type, comforts her by joking that he once tried to be bulemic too, but when he stuck his hand down his throat, he was still hungry and almost ate his arm. The pair giggles lovingly and continues to dance together. After a few fast songs (and I'm NOT kidding here... this is actually written in a textbook), Melissa wipes the sweat from Angus' brow and sticks her finger in her mouth, then suggests they leave the dance together. Angry, drunken Rick screams, "You b*tch! I never loved you anyway!" at her as they leave.

 

Right. So this is what German kids are learning about America. I'll give the author credit for chosing texts that are supposedly more interesting for teenagers, but the text was so weird that Fabienne kept asking if she had understood it correctly (what stereotypical popular girl licks a heavy kid's face sweat?). I assured her that no, there was no issue with her reading comprehension; it's just an extremely odd story.

Slightly troubled, I double checked with Fabi. Is this REALLY what all German kids learn? But thank goodness, no: it was also the first time he had seen "the B-word" used as an insult in a children's textbook, and he had never read such a graphic teen drama story in school either.

 

Later in the chapter, we'll look into American and Missouri history a bit, which I'm sure will be much more normal. But Fabienne and I really enjoyed that tutoring lesson, from the amazement of finding Hermann, MO to the absurdity of Angus the fat kid, we basically laughed the whole lesson!